Let Go
by EveryStringAttached
Summary: Post ep for 'Recoil'. Ziva/Tony friendship maybe romance if you squint slightly angsty. "She’s breaking in front of you and she’s still pushing you away"


_A/N- this is my first attempt at an NCIS fic, I was kind of into the show during the first 2 seasons but when they killed Kate off I stopped watching and didn't even give Ziva a chance. Recently I've been catching up on it and I have to admit that Ziva quickly became my favourite character and I adore the Tony/Ziva dynamic the shows got going on, sooo fast forward to last night and I'd just watched Recoil and I've never felt compelled to write a post-ep for anything, but I suddenly had this in my head and I had to write it down. So, erm, read on if you want to :) contains some spoilers for Recoil (season 5)_

_Thanks to my beta Racefh853629 :)_

_Oh and I don't own anything :) A/N_

**Let Go**

It's late, after 9, and you suddenly wonder if you're doing the right thing. Ziva hadn't seemed willing to open up yesterday and since then, you'd been a little more than short with her. What were the chances she'd let you in now? Sighing as you open your car door, you turn the collar of your coat up in an attempt to stop the rain from getting down your neck.

The rain is pouring down, and you involuntarily jerk at a clap of thunder in the distance. What fitting weather for the past couple of days. Pushing the button on your keys to lock your car, you turn and see someone leaving Ziva's apartment building. You make a run for the door, hoping to get in before it closes, eliminating the problem of her not buzzing you in when you call up.

You make it just in time, and take a moment to take off your dripping coat and give it a quick shake before slinging it over your arm. The action results in a small puddle of water on the floor, but you ignore it, instead heading for the elevator.

You spend less than a minute waiting for the elevator to arrive before you decide to take the stairs. Walking up two at a time, you start thinking about what you're going to say to her, and start to wonder about how she'll react. It could go one of two ways, you decide, as you come to a stop outside her door. And you're about to try your damn hardest to make sure it turns out okay.

After knocking 3 or 4 times, you come to the conclusion that she's ignoring the door.

"Ziva, it's me" you call as you knock one more time. "Look, if you're in there, open the door. Please, I want to talk to you."

"She went out Dear, about 2 hours ago, seemed in a hurry too."

You spin around as you hear a voice behind you. It was Patricia, or was it Pamela? Ziva's elderly neighbour, who was now poking her head through her front door.

"Slammed that front door something rotten," she went on. "I don't know what you've done, but you better be making up for it young man." The elderly woman smirked. "No flowers, I see? Well, you better think of something fast, a lady does…"

"Thanks, thanks for letting me know," you interrupt her. You're not really in the mood for her ranting and raving at you.

She gives you a stern look as she closes the door, and you force a smile back. Once you hear the lock on her door turn, you sit down outside Ziva's door and wait.

It's not too long before you hear gentle footsteps echo down the hall. You don't look up, but you know it's her. And you sense when she's spotted you, because the footsteps falter slightly.

"What do you want, Tony?" she asks, not looking at you as you stand up.

Her voice is cold and her words sting, but you know you deserve it. You're surprised that she leaves the door open after she steps in. You follow her, closing it behind you softly.

"I came to see if you were okay," you say, immediately knowing what the reaction will be.

"I'm fine," she replies, kicking off her shoes. As she turns the light on, you know she's been out for a run. She has her gym clothes on, and they're soaked through from the rain. Her hair is loose, and half falls over her face. You can't tell if it's the rain or tears streaking her cheeks. Her eyes are dark and heavy, and you can see the pain on her face, and it hurts to know that you have probably added to her angst.

"You're not fine," you counter as you start to walk towards her.

"Go away Tony," she sighs, in a half hearted voice. "I'm fine." She puts extra emphasis on the last word.

She's putting those walls up again, trying to guard herself from feeling any more pain. It's frustrating, and you feel you should be doing more.

"I'm here if you wanna talk," you offer, deciding to start pushing your boundaries.

"I do not want to talk. It's over. I just want to forget about it and move on okay," she replies, a flash of anger evident in her voice.

You come to a stop in front of her now, and you reach out to her, wanting to comfort her. She flinches away again, just like she did yesterday, taking a step back and increasing the distance between you two once more.

"Why won't you open up?" you ask her, trying to keep your anger in check. It's hard, because while you know you've done wrong, you're trying really hard, and Ziva's not having any of it. "Is three years not enough for you to trust me?"

She looks away and blinks before speaking, "It's not about trust Tony."

"Then what is it?" You allow your voice to raise a little, and you swear you see her jump at your voice. "Is it because you don't want to get hurt?" you ask, and she just stares at you, an expression on her face you've never seen before.

Is it fear? Hurt? _Vulnerability?_

"You're already hurting, so what's the big deal?" You watch as she squeezes her eyes shut and shakes her head.

"Shut up," she whispers, her eyes begging you to stop.

But you're not going to let her go that easily.

"You're not invincible, Ziva. You nearly died, you shot a man 4 inches from your face, and you need to stop pretending that it didn't happen, because it did."

She's shaking now, and you feel a stab of pain in your heart as she drops her head into her hands.

"No one, not even you can just put something like that behind them," you tell her, and she looks up at you again, a lone tear falling down her cheek.

"Shut up, Tony," she says, in a firmer voice than last time.

"Ziva, just…" you begin to reason with her but she interrupts you.

Tears are flowing silently from her cheeks, and she's furiously trying to wipe them away.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up," she repeats, each time sounding more and more desperate.

She's breaking in front of you, and she's still pushing you away. You find yourself running out of things to say to her, but you have one last thing to try. You take a small step towards her, and she closes her eyes.

"Tony," she whispers, the tears still falling from behind her closed eyelids.

Saying nothing, you take one more step and embrace her in your arms. You know what's about to happen, and so prepare yourself for the struggle. She pulls against you, desperate to get away, but you continue to hold her.

"Damn it Tony," she shouts, her voice thick with emotion as she starts to hit you. Punches rain down on your chest. They hurt, but you stand still and allow her to carry on. You understand that this is what she has to do, and you hold her tighter, telling her that it's okay.

"Damn it, damn it," she curses, each word punctuated with another blow. It takes a while, but the hitting slows, and then stops. Her hands fall flat onto your chest and her head drops to your shoulder. You feel her fingers curl into your shirt as she clutches it, letting out a heavy sob.

One of your arms remains wrapped around her waist, and your other hand comes to rest on the back of her head, pulling her close to you.

"It's okay to let go, Ziva," you whisper softly into her ear.

As if she's been waiting for permission, she seems to completely break at your words. You're there as her legs collapse, and you cradle her, both of you sinking to the floor.

Her sobs are full of pain, harsh and ragged, and the only thing you can do now is hold her tighter as she turns into you. You offer whispered words of comfort as you stroke her. But what you really have to do is wait, wait for her to let it all out.

You lose track of time and don't know how long you sit like that, with her wrapped in your arms, but you know from the dampness of your shirt it's been a while. Somewhere during that time, Ziva's sobs have quieted to sniffles, and as you shift your position slightly, she pulls away. Her eyes meet yours, and you share a quiet stare for a few moments. She looks tired, but you're not really surprised.

She's been through so much.

"Tony," she says as you gently push back the hair from her face, your thumb tracing lightly round the bullet wound on her temple. She opens her mouth to speak again, and you know she's going to try and apologise. Apologise for sleeping with Michael, for hitting him (him as in Michael, or him as in Tony?), for crying, but none of that matters. You know that you should be the one apologising, and so you stop her and cut in before she has a chance to speak.

"No, Ziva, don't," you say, and she just looks at you, a myriad of emotions swimming in her dark eyes. "I'm sorry," you say, looking her straight in the eye.

"I'm sorry for acting like a jerk," you continue as your hand moves from her hair to cup her cheek, "You were right, I _was_ jealous and I've been stupid."

You're surprised at how easily the words are coming out, but you don't stop as she sits there, silently taking in all that you're saying.

"I'm sorry that we didn't get there sooner," you tell her as you wipe away a stray tear that rolls down her cheek. "I'm sorry that it ended the way it did, and I wish that I could do something to take away your pain," you finish, suddenly feeling overcome with your own emotion.

The lump in your throat tightens and tears prick your eyes when you think all over again how you nearly lost her. It's as if she can feel your pain too, because she reaches up to your face and holds your cheek the same way you're holding hers.

"You're already doing it," she says with a smile, the first one you've seen for a while, and it doesn't look out of place despite the tears in her eyes.

"Thank you Tony," she whispers, pulling your head down so your forehead is touching hers.

You smile at this intimate gesture, and you know when you see her smiling back at you that no matter how hard things may be from this moment on, that the two of you will be okay.

She sighs, and says, 'It's all going to be okay now," as if she's reading your mind.

"Yeah," you reply, bringing you head up and kissing her forehead tenderly. "It's all gonna be okay."

_--I'd really love to know what you thought, especially on characterisation since they're not a pair I know extremely well._

_L xx_


End file.
